i quit... almost

on august 16th, we signed new contracts at our school for this school year. we had to fight for these jobs on june 30th, the day before we returned to the states. and upon returning to jordan, things just got more and more stressful. the school doesn't have a good philosophy of education. it doesn't support the teacher as an educator. and we continually are given shoulder shrugs from the principal when questioning things that don't make sense, letting us know that it doesn't matter what we think. in all honesty, every teacher is at the end of their rope right now.

yesterday, i threw in the towel. we both did. the feelings that things will never get better left us feeling hopeless. i knew i could do better. i'm qualified for many jobs that i would thrive in and in some ways enjoy much more than this stressful environment. i decided that quitting was the best option.

i've been in this spot before. when i was in california at my first job, things at the church were beyond hope. the senior pastor was un-supportive. i didn't have control over my ministry. despite my love for the students, the leaders, and the church, i couldn't see past the difficult working relationship with my "boss". so i quit, and ran away.

i've said many times over the last 5 years that if i was in this situation again, i would make a better choice. i would stick it out. i would work to make things get better. i would fulfill my commitment and be an adult. but here i was, again, facing the same issues and making the same choices. my head was clouded by difficulties.

today i sat at work and wrote a resignation letter. my plan was to give it to the principal on sunday. i wasn't sure what i was going to do next, but i knew i didn't want to deal with this crap anymore. but as i sat there, contemplating my future, i realized that i hadn't changed. i was the same person i was 5 years ago, ready to throw my reputation and my work away because it was hard.

i decided i owed it to the church in california to stick this one out. like i'm redeeming my past failures. i love the students and my co-workers. i love my friends and the community group on friday nights. i know my work here isn't done. i am anxious for the school year to start and to get back into the swing of things. i don't know what next year will bring, but i know that for now my place is at the school, teaching math, history, geography, and p.e.

please pray that this year can be more fruitful than the last, and that i can learn from my mistakes and trust in jesus more.